Shocked by swinging

I came across a blog tonight where the author was talking about how they had discovered from some neighbors that some other neighbors are suspected swingers (I won’t link his blog here because I’m sure he doesn’t want a bunch of swingers posting comments to it).  His post wasn’t bashing them at all and was actually very witty in handling the whole subject.  Many who commented on the blog had pretty typical reactions though: “We were shocked to find-out there are swingers in our neighborhood.”

I guess the fact that statistically 3 out of 10 of their women neighbors, and 4 out of 10 of their men neighbors are cheating doesn’t shock them, but neighbors who honestly and openly have sex with others does.  Because that should only happen when you are doing it in secret and cheating, right?

To show how rumors will travel, one commenter (who is local to me) even stated that swingers were meeting at a certain athletic club.  Well, being in the swinger community for years now I can truthfully say that I’ve never heard of this athletic club being a meeting place for swingers, and we’re embedded enough that we would of heard about it were it true.

Ah, the stories people make-up to make their own life more interesting.  If people only knew that the real life of a swinger is much less interesting, and includes much less sex than they think.

Swinging from a non-swinger’s prespective

For reasons of being lazy and too tired to write more tonight, I’m going to repost here a response to a blog entry on swingers titled “Swingers… Why?” that I added a comment to earlier. It’s a well-written article by a someone in a monogamous relationship looking at non-monogamous relationships. I think the author’s response is more than a little typical of non-swingers looking at swingers, but also much more open-minded than most.  The gist of it is that her and her boyfriend have been approached around eight times over the last two years and one of those was by neighbors whom invited them to a hotel room they rented for Valentine’s Day and made a pass at the author and her boyfriend. Here was my response to her post about being hit-on by “swingers”:

This is a very interesting blog entry, and one I enjoyed reading since I have been on both sides of the fence; a non-swinger and a swinger. It’s always interesting to read what people on the outside looking in think, especially since it is so easy to pass judgment on others lives when they don’t match own.

Having had many years experience with swinging and other open relationship matters I would have to first say that these couples that have invited you to their hotel rooms (as well as the one’s that have hit on you) are not experienced swingers, but merely are dabbling in it. This is for one very big reason: Experienced, “real” swingers don’t approach non-swingers about swinging. This is because it inevitably ends-up like your situations did – the non-swinger couple being offended and walking-out. It’s a waste of time and energy for swingers to approach non-swingers about having sex with them because 99% of the time they won’t.

However it is a common mistake made by those just dabbling in swinging or open relationships, especially approaching friends, simply because they don’t know where to find other like-minded people.

Real and experienced swingers know that approaching friends is a very quick way to destroy a friendship. There is a saying in swinging: “It’s easier to make friends out of swingers than swingers out of friends.”

Also, in many just dabbling in swinging you do find situations where one person in the couple is being coerced or manipulated into trying it, and like you mention it does lead to problems. Nobody likes to be convinced, coerced or manipulated into doing anything they don’t want to do, sexual or not. It makes them resent the person coercing them into it. And if they do go along with it the not only resent the other person, but they also hate themselves for giving-in.

These are also the couples don’t continue swinging after one or two experiences. These are also the stereotypical couples that are trying to “fix” something in their relationship or to “spice-up” a dying relationship or to fill-in something they think is missing. They think that having sex with others will magically fix the years of neglect and damage they have done to their marriage. It never works though. These are couple that already have one foot in divorce court and they try swinging as a last ditch effort to save their marriage. And it never works. Usually it just hastens the inevitable demise of their marriage.

Unfortunately they also give swinging a bad wrap relationship-wise because they blame it for the demise of their marriage. One constant in human nature is that nobody takes responsibility for their own crap until they run out of other people and things to blame it on.

I think if you knew some real swingers you’d find quite the opposite.  First, they wouldn’t proposition you because they know that with you not being swingers there is little to no chance of you doing it. It’s better to go where you know the grass is green.

Second, you’d find that they are couples who are not insecure at all, but rather are very secure in themselves and their value to their partner.

Third, you’d find that they are not trying to replace something missing in their relationship, but rather are simply sharing the overflow from their already great relationship with an abundant and fantastic sex life.

Fourth, without exception you’d find that when they started swinging it was both of their fantasy, not just one of theirs. Sure one person first brought it up and a lot of talking went into it before they ever went through with it, but those that are “real” swingers had healthy relationships before they started and they really did just get better from there.

And finally, and you do elude to this but I’ll say it: Watching your partner have sex with someone else may not be your fantasy, but it may be someone else’s. Just because what turns them on isn’t the same as you doesn’t mean that it’s “wrong” or “deviant”. It’s just different.

So no, real swingers are not the majority by any means. What you have met are not “real” swingers in any sense of the word. They are train wrecks looking for a place to happen.

~ Lucius Scribbens