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Again recently I have had to sit back and think to myself why many monogamists think as they do.  Try to understand what make them tick and what makes them think I am weird or “wrong” and their way is normal or “right”.  What happened to make me ruminate like this was a woman.  Yes, the thing that makes many men think for a moment, touch themselves, then turn-on SPEED Network to watch monster trucks.  But what really got me today was a woman I know who is a single mom of three, works two jobs and who I’ve been good friends with for months now, told me that I “need to take a step back because all this was just getting to weird.”

Now she knows that I’m in an open relationship.  We’ve also talked of our mutual attraction and that as other women have said:  she’d love to have a relationship with me, but she’d just be putting time into someone else’s husband.  Which I can respect if getting married is the be-all-end-all of her existence right now.   So all this is nothing of a surprise.

So what spurred that response from her?  Lucretia MacEvil invited her to dinner, with her children, since her middle daughter is the same age as our youngest daughter and they would probably get along fabulously.  To her, this just seemed too strange.  The wife of a man who she’s attracted to is inviting her to break bread with her, not kill her.  She really couldn’t wrap her brain around that.  In fact she even said to me: “Doesn’t that just seem a bit strange to you?  To normal people it is.”

What seems strange to me though, is that for over a year she was dating a married man who was cheating on his wife, and one of her children is the result of that relationship.  Of course, he never left his wife and has no contact with her, or his child today.

So dating a married man who is cheating on his wife is not weird, however dating a married man who is honest with his wife and who’s wife would like to meet her and feed her and get to know her because her husband likes her, is weird.

Dating a cheating husband: Good

Dating a husband in an open and honest relationship: Bad

As mentioned in an earlier post, we’ve seen this with men, too.  Many men want to have something with Lucretia, however they don’t want to meet me, her husband.

Fucking a married, cheating woman: Good

Fucking a married woman with her husband’s permission and knowledge: Just fucking freaky

So to many monogamists cheating is “normal” whereas honesty is not.  Or at least that is how it seems.  Cheating is expected, if not acceptable, but an honest open relationship is not.  It’s okay to have sex with other people besides your spouse as long as your spouse doesn’t know about it, but it’s just wrong to do it if your spouse knows about it and consents willingly to it.  Of course they will tell you that’s not the case, that they don’t approve of it, but the numbers that do it (by all reasonable estimates 50% to 70% of all marriages experience cheating) show that their actions in no way support their words.

Just another reason why it’s very difficult, if not downright impossible to make a monogamist into a polyamorist.

Dodge RamI was sitting at a stoplight today and a newer Dodge Ram 1500 pickup made a left hand turn in front of me. What caught my attention was that this truck was a 2-door pickup – no extended cab or 4-doors – because I really haven’t see a 2-door truck with no back seat in quite a while.  Almost all trucks these days have at least a half-door and a back seat, and most have four doors.

As the truck passed I thought to myself: “Why the fuck would you buy a 2-door truck, and especially one with no back seat? That is so 1980’s.”

But then I stopped myself and realized that I was basing this on MY needs and MY ideas of what kind of a truck I need for MY life.  With a family of five a 2-door truck with no back seat is just not practical.  I need SUV room in the passenger compartment with a bed to haul stuff in.  But this truck might have been just perfect for this guy; a 2-door, no back seat having truck might be just what HE wanted.

Then I thought: “Wow, it’s kind of like how people judge others relationships.”

We judge others relationship styles based on our own.  Our is right for us, therefore it must be right for everyone else. I mean, why would anyone not want to have a relationship JUST LIKE MINE? Mine is fantastic!

But what we don’t realize is that our relationship style is right for ourselves, just like for me a 4-door pickup with a big back seat is just right for me.  But, that doesn’t mean everyone wants the same truck I do.  For others, a 2-door pickup with just enough room for two might be just right.  And they probably can’t understand why I want a 4-door and want to have more than one other person with me.

Monogamists look at open relationships and polyamory and can’t figure-out why we want more than one other person in our truck life.  And polyamorists, swingers and others with open relationships can’t understand how monogamists can be happy without more people in their truck life.

The point being that what works for one person doesn’t work for another.  It doesn’t mean that their way, or your way is wrong, it just means they are right for that person.  They are different but equally valid.

Something to think about the next time you see someone  that’s not just like yourself and wonder why they aren’t.

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