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I am on one today.  I’m on MySpace and there all all these “Sponsored Links” for finding someone to cheat on your significant other with.  Every once in a while this kind of stuff gets me going.  The way general society treats cheating as “normal” but having a relationship where you are honest with your significant other and you’re sexually open, emotionally open, or both as “abnormal”.

I see this when I rummage around Yahoo! Answers.  Those that are not only opposed to open relationships, but go out of their way to say cruel things to the question asker when the topic of an open relationship (threesomes, swinging, polyamory, etc.) are brought-up.  Yet, you can take 10 of those people and statistically know that about 4 of them have, are, or will cheat on their significant other.  And at least 4 of them could be currently being cheated on because of their prudish attitudes toward sex and their partner’s dissatisfaction with their sex life yet think they are in a monogamous relationship.

Society  accepts cheating, to the point where helping people do so has become profitable and ethical enough that mediums like MySpace and radio accept money for their advertising.  Stuff like this: Married Women DatingFind Married Women Who Want a Date. View Profiles 100% Free. Join Now! Life is short. Have an affair. Find a married woman to fuck in your area tonight. Unhappily Married Women Seeking a Male Buddy. Join Free & Browse! Meet Lonely Housewives –Search 1000s of Local Ads. Join Now Meet married women for casual encounters

And more.

It’s funny, MySpace will delete your profile if you openly advertise you are a “swinger” or some other form of adult open relationship, yet they’ll allow sponsored links for online cheating services.  I guess money talks louder than ethics, and people don’t pay money to have profiles on MySpace, but advertisers do pay.

I think the common link here though is all these ads are aimed at men.  Do a Google search for “Cheating Men” or “Cheating Husband” and you get a whole different set of results.  Instead of the links being about finding someone to cheat with, the links are all about how to catch a cheating husband, because society loves the story of a wronged woman.

I digress though.  That is probably another post in itself.

The point here being that cheating is considered by general society as being a part of life, a part of being in a relationship.  But being honest and open about needing more than what just one person can provide emotionally, physically, etc., is taboo and alternative, and in the eyes of most: just dirty and wrong.

People will say things like “Did you know so-and-so is cheating on their partner?” and that’s about the end of the conversation.  If the conversation starts with “I heard so-and-so are swingers.” it’s a whole different story though.

For instance, I doubt almost anybody in the private sector has lost a job because they were cheating on their spouse, unless of course it was with someone they worked with and it caused a workplace problem (hell, even my ex-wife or her lover didn’t get fired from that).  But plenty have been fired for being swingers or being in polyamorous relationships.

I was thinking about this as I was on Facebook.  Facebook comes-up almost first on a Google search for my name.  So if I join a facebook group supporting GLBT issues or polyamory or open relationships of any type I could in theory prevent myself from getting a new job if some HR person does a quick Google search on me and they don’t agree with my politics, religion or lifestyle.

Kind of scary stuff when society will scorn you for having an honest relationship where you are allowed to enjoy the company of other people, yet will financially reward companies that promote dishonesty and cheating on your significant other.

So today I am catching-up on my MySpace messages and such and a sponsored link on the right side of my screen is for “Affairs Made Simple” proclaims the headline, and it goes on to advertise: “Married Men & Women Seeking Affairs. Discreet Online Forum. Free Sign Up”

Now on MySpace such an ad doesn’t really surprise me since so many people use MySpace to hook-up with other people, and one of the most commonly asked questions I see on Yahoo! Answers is “I found my partner has a secret profile on MySpace and their relationship status is ‘single’. What do you think that means?” Plus, Mrs. Scribbens constantly gets emails from supposedly single guys on her MySpace, and nowhere on there does it elude to the fact that we have an open relationship. Both our MySpace profiles are totally vanilla and non-sexual in nature to protect our secret identities. But I guess these guys still think “What the fuck, it doesn’t hurt to ask, right?” And the correspondence to her always go the same route:

Stranger: Are you married?

Mrs. Scribbens: Yes

Stranger: Are you HAPPILY married?

Mrs. Scribbens: Yes

Stranger: Woud you like to meet anyway?

And it just goes down hill from there.

But MySpace actually allowing advertising that promotes it’s usage as a free cheater’s dating site just rubs me the wrong way. Especially since so many teenagers use it and could see the same sponsored links. What is this saying to them? What it’s saying is “It’s okay to lie and cheat, but not to be honest and open with your partner about your feelings, wants and needs.”

Does that surprise me? No. In my experience I’ve seen that most people can not be honest and open with their partner – the one person in the world they should be able to be the most open and honest with – because of the fear of their response: jealousy, anger, resentment. So they will be more honest with complete strangers than with their own partner. No wonder so many people say things after many years together like “I don’t feel I really even know you?”; “Why won’t you let me in?”. Well, experience has taught them that being honest and open with their partner about their fantasies always causes problems. They become insecure, jealous and defensive – “WHAT?! AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!” And the fighting and hurt feelings start from there. And then they bitch to their friends about it:

“Why won’t he/she open-up to me? Why won’t he tell me his dreams and feelings and fantasies?”

Well, let me tell you why. Because whenever they do you become all insecure and butt-hurt and then at a later date use what they opened-up to you about to emotionally kick them in the balls whenever you are feeling insecure and butt-hurt again!

So it’s easier to just say nothing until years down the road a couple drifts apart because “they don’t really know each other” and they the find someone new and start the same destructive cycle all over again.

The funny thing is, according to virtually every study nearly 35% of women and 40% of men cheat on each other. And according to one study (I wish I could find where I filed it so I could reference it for you) 60% of women and 70% of men think about cheating and probably would if the opportunity arose and they knew they would never be caught.

So based on this fact alone, nearly 40% of couples do have an open relationship, just one member of the relationship is unaware of it.

So how many really do have open and honest open relationships of one nature or another? It’s hard to pinpoint a figure. I my experience and research the number that pops-up most commonly is 20% of all committed couples dabble in, or have an ongoing open relationship. This can be anywhere from trying a one-time threesome to dating others openly, swinging and polyamory.

Add this figure to the number cheating on each other and you find that 60% of all committed couples have an open relationship of some sort, and another 20% to 30% would if they thought their partner would go for it or they thought they could do it behind their partner’s back and get away with it.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep on living in bewilderment of those that would judge our open relationship while all the while cheating on, or thinking about cheating on their partner.

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