A tough part about any sexually and/or emotionally open relationship where relationships are allowed outside the primary relationship (i.e. either party can play solo and/or have a loving relationship with someone else not living with the primary couple) is time-share and fantasy vs. reality. There are many good articles on web blogs concerning time-sharing between parnters, and maybe someday I’ll write one myself, but this entry is going to deal with fantasy vs. reality: the fantasy of a part-time lover vs. the reality of a primary partner.
Secondary partners (boyfriends/girlfriends) that don’t live with the primary couple are fantasy. They are a retreat from reality. They offer a place where you can go and “chill”, watch TV, talk adult talk, go out on an adult date, have sex for hours on end without interruption, etc. Secondary partners rarely if ever have to deal with all the stress of “real life” with their lover or with their lovers private issues such as mood swings, getting sick, stress of a job, cooking dinner for a family, etc.
Primary partners (husband/wife/committed relationship partner) are the ones that have to deal with all that and more. They are the ones that deal with mood swings, PMS, anger, sadness, kids and school and soccer and baseball and football and schedules and money and jobs and bitchy coworkers and broken down cars and never having a minute alone with your partner to talk adult talk much less be able to steal away even 15 minutes to have sex much less an hour or more.
Fantasy… Reality… Fantasy… Reality.
This is something I’ve been thinking allot about lately. Sometimes I feel short-changed in the relationship department because at this time I don’t have a girlfriend but Mrs. Scribbens has a couple of boyfriends she can spend time with to decompress and relax and have those hour plus sex sessions with. We don’t have that together. At least not on a regular basis. By the time the kids are all fed, pets are fed, homework is helped with and more, if we get alone time (meaning the youngest falls asleep before we do) we’re either too tired to put much effort into sex or forgo it completely just to cuddle and fall asleep. If we do get the chance, 8 out of 10 times we’ll be interrupted mid-screwing by a kid at the bedroom door.
Now this isn’t a problem that virtually all couples don’t have, because they do. The difference is that monogamous couples don’t have others they can retreat to to get away from it all – unless of course they’re cheating, which statiscally more than 30% of women do and 40% of men do, so they just don’t have to worry about it because they don’t know about it.
For this reason I’ve been getting not jealous, but envious of Mrs. Scribbens and her lovers recently. I feel like I get the “reality” stuff and they get the “fantasy” side of her. I’m sure that if the tables were turned she’d feel the same way, too. Goddess knows I’m not the easiest person to live with, I have my foibles for sure.
So this is something that sometimes is hard to deal with, at least momentarily. I think to make it work you really have to give that extra attention to your primary partner when you are together, whether it’s directly through making time for sex, or even being more attentive to their emotional needs. Everyone needs to feel fulfilled for it all to work well.