For quite awhile I’ve pined for a certain woman. She’s the perfect compliment to Mrs. Scribbens in my life. But, although we are the best of friends, she just doesn’t feel the same way about me. I think I am everything she could be in love with; there just isn’t that animal, sexual attraction in my direction that I feel toward her.
So for some time I’ve held my feelings for her private. In the past few months I’ve been honest with her about my feelings and it hasn’t scared her off, though it has in her own words, made her uneasy at times. So I don’t push it. I just let it be what it is.
As we’ve talked we’ve gotten more and more detailed into her private thoughts. And recently she broke-up with her long-term boyfriend which has brought these conversations even more in depth. And the one thing I’ve come to accept is that I can’t offer her what she needs, no matter how hard I try.
She is fifteen years younger than I. The age gap doesn’t have any effect on what could be between us, or at least I haven’t seen that ever be an issue. But she’s never been married, never had children and is looking for that. As she says, her biological clock is ticking.
Here is where the divide widens. I’m married, though Mrs. Scribbens and she are good friends and have said on many occasions how she would welcome this woman living with us. But she wants children, and three things prevent that between us. First, a more traditional family situation is more what she is looking for now. Second, I’ve had a vasectomy and therefore a child with me is not even a possibility. Third, the reason I had a vasectomy is because Mrs. Scribbens and I decided we didn’t want any more children. And honestly, I don’t think I want to be raising kids into my retirement years and to have one now would mean they wouldn’t be in college until I was in my 60’s.
Eventually Mrs. Scribbens and I want our own lives back without being responsible on a daily basis for children.
Realizing this has made things easier and more difficult to accept. It’s made it easier to accept that nothing could ever come of a relationship between this woman and us simply because she wouldn’t be happy, and her happiness is very important to me. If I’m not it, I’ll help her find someone who is. And I hope to be there at her wedding. It’s harder in the fact that I’ve had to realize that I have less to offer someone like her now than I did ten years ago. A sign of age I guess. I do know though, that I have plenty to offer someone that is not looking to have children and is looking more for a companion.
So now there is a cosmic shift in what I am looking for in regards to a third.