Lucretia MacEvil and I have a good friend that although isn’t in a open relationship has been to several swinger parties over the years with us.  After the first party she went to she commented:

“Swinging is like the icing on the cake of marriage.  But if the cake underneath doesn’t have all the ingredients to make it solid, all the icing in the world won’t keep it from crumbling.”

Wiser words have seldom been said about an open relationship of any kind.

I came across this opinion column by R. Albert Mohler, Jr, Guest Columnist for the Christian Post.  Again the “moral” minority gets it wrong, or simply has their head buried deep in the sand they don’t want to get it.  I think Allena Gabosch, Director of the Center for Sex Positive Culture has it right when she says in the recent Newsweek article about polyamory that people are afraid of it because “it shakes up their worldview.”  Which is the reason people are afraid of a lot of things in this world, like the religion of others.

Mohler shows just how far his head is in the sand with this one paragraph:

Perhaps the best way to understand this new movement is to understand it as a natural consequence of subverting marriage. We have largely normalized adultery, serialized marriage, separated marriage from reproduction and childbearing, and accepted divorce as a mechanism for liberation. Once this happens, boundary after boundary falls as sexual regulation virtually disappears among those defined as “consenting adults.”

Normalized adultery?  Albert (may I call you Albert?), adultery has been the norm since the dawn of man (and that was 200,000, not 6,000 years ago, by-the-way).  It simply wasn’t called “adultery” until religion got involved.  Before that it was called “sharing” or “ensuring the survival of the species through multiple sex partners and genetic variety.”  The fact is that an estimated 70% of marriages will experience cheating, whether discovered or not.  It has been this way throughout Christian history where men having a “virgin” wife and an experienced mistress is the norm, not the exception.  Sure it may be written differently in your Bible, however the holiest of the Holy Men in the Bible practiced plural marriage, and God’s reward to men was to give them more wives.  In your Bible God never has an issue with multiple wives, what he has a problem with is stealing that wife from another man.  Adultery in the Biblical-sense has to do with taking another man’s property: his wife.

Serialized marriage?  Marriage has always been serialized.  According to Websters “serial” means: performing a series of similar acts over a period of time. Which isn’t that what marriage has been for years and years and years.  And guess what, “traditional” monogamous marriage still doesn’t work for most people (hence the 70% infidelity rate).

Separate reproduction and childbearing from marriage?  Are you saying that reproduction is THE reason for marriage? Much like a couple of hundred years ago it was about money and power exchange through trading your daughters to dirty old men that had enough money to pay a handsome dowry or could offer daddy a higher position in society?  That is a huge part of Christian history in relation to marriage.  You can ignore it, but it doesn’t make it less true.  Whatever happened to getting married because you love someone?

Accept divorce as a mechanism for liberation? This goes back to serialized marriage, which your accepted way isn’t working for most.  It has been said that 50% of all marriages end in divorce; 40% who stay married do so unhappily; and only 10% of those that stay married report being happy.  And in 7 out of 10 marriages one or both partners are cheating on each other.  So your traditional view of marriage isn’t better, it just buried the issues and has forced people to stay in unhappy and often abusive situations because to divorce was akin to wearing a scarlet letter on your chest and being a social outcast.  I know here in Utah that a divorced Mormon might as well have the plague when it comes to having a social life, and I’m sure it’s the same in other areas where one religion dominates the demographics.

As far as sex, I think your sentence

Bennett quotes Allena Gabosch, director of an organization known as the “Center for Sex Positive Culture,”

as well as your mocking of the Kinsey Institute shows just how repressed you yourself really are.  “Sex positive” is something that really scares the Hell out of you and your kind, doesn’t it?  Especially when it comes from a woman.

It would seem that Mohler, like so many of his mindset, would like to return us to an idealized version of the past.

I get such a chuckle out of all those Cosmopolitan magazine articles on “What Your Man Really Thinks” and “What Really Turns Your Man On”.  As I read these things I ask myself: Did they really ask any men about this? Or did a bunch of women just sit around the conference room at Cosmo and and write down things they want to hear from their men? Or did they ask a bunch of pansy-men?

So in response to this I’ve written with some help from friends, both male and female, a list of 15 things men really want to hear from their wife/girlfriend.  Add any you can think of in the comments.

1. “Do you want to fuck me in the ass tonight?”
2. “I hope you don’t mind if I swallow?  I don’t want to break your rhythm when you’re about to cum.”
3. “Please don’t make me eat at Sizzler and see a movie.  Can’t I just have some cock instead?”
4. “Can we just fuck with the lights on?  I love it when you stare at my cellulite.”
5. “Oh my god that’s gargantuan!  You’re going to stick that where?!”
6. “Yes, I would love it if my best friend sucked your cock.”
7. “I don’t care if we’re lost, I just love your sense of adventurism.”
8. “Your ex-wife is so hot!  Can we have a threesome with her?”
9. “My hot sister with the boob job wants to have a threesome with us.  Are you down with that?”
10. “I don’t care what time you get home, just be sure to wake me up when you do so that we can fuck.”
11. “Hey guess what?! Your cum is part of my Weight Watcher plan!”
12. “Go ahead and watch the game and I’ll go make you some chocolate chip cookies.  And how about a blowjob at half-time?”
13. “Don’t worry about getting me off, you just make sure you’re happy.”
14. “It’s that time of month, but I’d love to give you a blowjob.”
15. “You don’t have to stay here just because we had sex.  Go ahead and go to the strip club with your friends.  Here’s $100 to spend on the strippers.”

A Harvard study has found that the reddest state in the nation, the state that many consider to be the most conservative, and one that constantly reminds everyone of it’s “family values” (like no one else has any but them) is also the largest consumer of subscription online pornography in the nation.  That’s right: Utah.

In fact, 8 of the top 10 states are “Red States”, predominantly Conservative Republican states with “conservative Christian values”.  The study concludes that those states that consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious than states with lower levels of consumption.

The two year study found that among broadband internet (cable, DSL, satellite, wireless high speed internet, etc.) users in Utah, 5.47 in 1,000 were buying online porn.

One “expert” has said that it is just the tip of the iceberg since the researcher only looked at AOL and MSN broadband records and the anonymous credit card purchases by zip code of a couple of online porn services, and there are hundreds porn services and broadband providers out there that weren’t included in the study.

The do-gooders in Utah have already come-out dismissing this as a Gentile problem (what Mormons call non-Mormons), implying that the 31% of Utahans that are not Mormon consume 100% of the porn.  However, the study doesn’t support that.  The study found that by zip code those areas with increased religious attendance on Sunday had corresponding decreases in porn consumption, but that increased consumption Monday through Saturday more than made-up the difference and put Utah in the lead.

What nobody is doing is calling a duck a duck.  They are skirting around the real issue: Sexual expression amongst sexually repressed people always finds an outlet, and usually not a healthy one.

Sex is as important to Human Beings as eating and breathing.  You need three things for life to continue in this world: You need to breathe, you need to eat and you need to have sex and procreate to ensure the continuation of any species of life on this planet, including humans.  Telling people they can’t have sex (or in any way trying to control how people have sex and when they have sex) is like telling people they can’t eat or breathe.  They will.  Every living fiber in their being tells them they have to, and 2,000 years of anti-sex propaganda can’t undo 200,000 years of biological programming.

Case in point: Catholic priests.  Catholic priests molesting alter boys and other boys in their congregation.  The Catholic Church played this off as a “gay” problem and vowed to better screen priesthood candidates to weed-out the homosexuals.  But these priests that molested alter boys were simply expressing their sexuality in the only way that was readily available to them, boys.  I contend that 99% of them are very heterosexual, but that these boys were the only outlet they had.  The same goes for the Boy Scout leaders who molest Boy Scouts.  They are easy prey for a sexually repressed, sexually frustrated man.  I say this because overall, girls are the victims of most sex crimes I the U.S., not boys.  Just in these instances boys are the most readily available outlet for that particular sex offender.

Think about this, how often are the words “I just can’t believe it.  He is an outstanding member of our church and just the nicest guy” (or some variant of that) spoken by a friend or neighbor when they are interviewed about some poor, “happily” married schmuck being arrested for molesting children?  It’s not openly gay men.  Boys are usually not the victims, either.  The majority of it is married heterosexual men that are out there preying on teenage and pre-pubescent girls.

Again, sexual expression amongst sexually repressed people always finds an outlet, and usually not a healthy one.

In my observations of porn usage the consumer usually falls into one of two categories: Those in sexually healthy relationships who have lots of sex, and good sex at that, who use porn on occasion as just another aspect of their sexuality together; and those that don’t have a healthy and abundant sex life that use porn as a replacement for what they don’t have.

The latter category uses porn to fulfill something that is missing in their life.  They may be in a committed relationship but feel unfulfilled sexually, so they use porn to fulfill what they aren’t getting with their partner.

As a guy I can say with pretty good authority that men in relationships look at porn that portrays sex acts they are interested in but that they cannot fulfill with their partner, or their partner won’t consider fulfilling for them.  This may range from any sex at all, to sex acts such as cumshots, threesomes, group sex, anal sex and many others.  Porn has evolved from mainstream penis-in-vagina to all sorts of niches.  Being successful in any business entails filling a need in the marketplace.  See a need, fill a need (no pun intended).  If the market for porn, and niche porn categories at that, wasn’t there the porn makers wouldn’t waste time and money making it.

But it is there.

There are enough men and some women out there that aren’t getting the amount of sex they need (though statistically men are the largest porn consumers), or of the type that turns them on, that porn has become the multi-billion dollar business it is today.

I feel that some of this also arises from supply and demand of willing partners.  If a woman is sexually unsatisfied at home it’s not too hard to find a willing man that will have sex with her, regardless of whether she is married or not.  However for men, especially married men, finding women willing to just have sex with them is a bit more difficult.  There just aren’t as many women out there willing to just get their rocks off with a married man as there are men out there willing to get their rocks off with a married woman.

So men turn to the next best outlet: The Internet and internet porn.

You see this all the time by the number of “single” men that are really married men cruising Craigslist and swingers dating sites for a quick hook-up; looking for an outlet for their sexual Self that their wife just doesn’t give them for one reason or another.

And the story is always the same: “I love my wife but she just doesn’t fulfill me sexually”.  Whether it’s the kind of sex that turns them on, the sexual variety they are looking for with her (she only does it in the missionary position) or simply enough sex, or any sex.

In her defense, she (and their relationship) was sabotaged from the beginning, from the time they were just children.  They are taught by conservative religious leaders and parents that sex outside of marriage is wrong, filthy and nasty and not enjoyable, but once you get married it will be okay and you’ll have better sex than those pre-marital sex heathens could possibly ever imagine.  You’ll have “soulgasms” with your spouse.

But the message that really sinks in is that sex “is wrong, filthy and nasty”.  You can’t put conditions on sexuality.  It is either good or bad. It was “bad” but now it’s “good”.  You can’t program a girl from the moment she’s born that if she has sex she’s a slut and like a used piece of bubblegum no one else will want you, but now that there’s a ring on your finger you’re not a slut and it’s all okay.

It’s not.  When sex is one of the biggest issues in divorce cases it just goes to show that many sexually incompatible people are getting married just to have sex and when it isn’t the “soulgasms” they were promised they are disillusioned and start looking for compatible sex, good sex, elsewhere: other people’s beds or internet porn.

Twenty-some years of programming just can’t be undone in the single moment a ring is slipped on her finger and the words “I do” are spoken.  Sex will always feel wrong and make her feel guilty, especially if she enjoys it.  In fact, enjoying it may just increase the guilt and confusion since it goes against everything she was told up to that moment.

And Utah is very politically conservative and very sexually conservative.  69% of young people are taught that sex is “wrong” outside of marriage (the bubblegum analogy above is a Mormon one).  I feel for this reason many young people get married just to have sex, so that they can justify their sexual longings and fight-off the guilt about it that has been browbeat into them from the day they were born.  They confuse being horny for someone with being in love with them.

I also think that this one of the big reasons marriages last five to seven years, because that’s how long it takes for the lust goggles to lose their rosy tint and real life to set-in (especially after children come along and sex is less frequent) and people wake-up one morning realizing that outside of having parts that fit together they would never had chosen to spend their life with this person were they not drunk on hormones at the time.

So Utahans (and other sexually repressed people) are getting married for sex, and when it isn’t all that it was cracked-up to be many of the men turn to porn to fulfill what is missing in their marriage; what they were promised they would have if they just walked the conservative, repressed straight-and-narrow.

That is why Utah and the other 7 conservative states in the top 10 are the largest consumers of paid porn in the nation.  That is the duck that everyone is saying isn’t a duck.

In short, those of us with happy, healthy sex lives aren’t looking at a lot of porn because we’re too busy having sex for real.

For reasons of being lazy and too tired to write more tonight, I’m going to repost here a response to a blog entry on swingers titled “Swingers… Why?” that I added a comment to earlier. It’s a well-written article by a someone in a monogamous relationship looking at non-monogamous relationships. I think the author’s response is more than a little typical of non-swingers looking at swingers, but also much more open-minded than most.  The gist of it is that her and her boyfriend have been approached around eight times over the last two years and one of those was by neighbors whom invited them to a hotel room they rented for Valentine’s Day and made a pass at the author and her boyfriend. Here was my response to her post about being hit-on by “swingers”:

This is a very interesting blog entry, and one I enjoyed reading since I have been on both sides of the fence; a non-swinger and a swinger. It’s always interesting to read what people on the outside looking in think, especially since it is so easy to pass judgment on others lives when they don’t match own.

Having had many years experience with swinging and other open relationship matters I would have to first say that these couples that have invited you to their hotel rooms (as well as the one’s that have hit on you) are not experienced swingers, but merely are dabbling in it. This is for one very big reason: Experienced, “real” swingers don’t approach non-swingers about swinging. This is because it inevitably ends-up like your situations did – the non-swinger couple being offended and walking-out. It’s a waste of time and energy for swingers to approach non-swingers about having sex with them because 99% of the time they won’t.

However it is a common mistake made by those just dabbling in swinging or open relationships, especially approaching friends, simply because they don’t know where to find other like-minded people.

Real and experienced swingers know that approaching friends is a very quick way to destroy a friendship. There is a saying in swinging: “It’s easier to make friends out of swingers than swingers out of friends.”

Also, in many just dabbling in swinging you do find situations where one person in the couple is being coerced or manipulated into trying it, and like you mention it does lead to problems. Nobody likes to be convinced, coerced or manipulated into doing anything they don’t want to do, sexual or not. It makes them resent the person coercing them into it. And if they do go along with it the not only resent the other person, but they also hate themselves for giving-in.

These are also the couples don’t continue swinging after one or two experiences. These are also the stereotypical couples that are trying to “fix” something in their relationship or to “spice-up” a dying relationship or to fill-in something they think is missing. They think that having sex with others will magically fix the years of neglect and damage they have done to their marriage. It never works though. These are couple that already have one foot in divorce court and they try swinging as a last ditch effort to save their marriage. And it never works. Usually it just hastens the inevitable demise of their marriage.

Unfortunately they also give swinging a bad wrap relationship-wise because they blame it for the demise of their marriage. One constant in human nature is that nobody takes responsibility for their own crap until they run out of other people and things to blame it on.

I think if you knew some real swingers you’d find quite the opposite.  First, they wouldn’t proposition you because they know that with you not being swingers there is little to no chance of you doing it. It’s better to go where you know the grass is green.

Second, you’d find that they are couples who are not insecure at all, but rather are very secure in themselves and their value to their partner.

Third, you’d find that they are not trying to replace something missing in their relationship, but rather are simply sharing the overflow from their already great relationship with an abundant and fantastic sex life.

Fourth, without exception you’d find that when they started swinging it was both of their fantasy, not just one of theirs. Sure one person first brought it up and a lot of talking went into it before they ever went through with it, but those that are “real” swingers had healthy relationships before they started and they really did just get better from there.

And finally, and you do elude to this but I’ll say it: Watching your partner have sex with someone else may not be your fantasy, but it may be someone else’s. Just because what turns them on isn’t the same as you doesn’t mean that it’s “wrong” or “deviant”. It’s just different.

So no, real swingers are not the majority by any means. What you have met are not “real” swingers in any sense of the word. They are train wrecks looking for a place to happen.

~ Lucius Scribbens